What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 11:12
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
If you believe in God, do you think God can save you from cancer?
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do so many 18 to 29-year-old men struggle in dating?
This is soul school!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said he loves me, but why is it difficult for him to leave his wife?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He knew the spot.
And i lived it daily.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I will be 64.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Who then, do I blame.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot live in the past .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We all went to grammer schools
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
She wouldn,t have been !
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it wasn’t much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.